


A few screws loose (or bugs and glitches and fails oh my)

by DpsMercy



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, M/M, Other, Possessed Inquisitor, Retelling, basically just the game but with glitches, my first try at a long fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-11
Updated: 2018-03-11
Packaged: 2019-03-29 21:36:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13935915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DpsMercy/pseuds/DpsMercy
Summary: The inquisition has been quite a colorful bunch from the start. After all, among others, they have a Seeker and right hand of the divine, a storyteller dwarf, a qunari spy, a tevinter necromancer, a spirit-turned-nearly-man, an elf who uses the ‘I saw it in the fade’ excuse way too much… and then there’s Kaylan Lavellan.This is the story of how Kaylan went from a quite normal dalish elf traipsing merrily to something called a conclave, to an Inquisitor, all while getting into shenanigans like befriending bears, surfing down mountains, and scaring demons.What happens when you try to explain away a game with too many glitches and bugs, stupid decisions made thanks to button-mashing, random pauses that go unnoticed, a backseat gaming brother who gives away suspicious hints, and a weird ability to guess plot-twists? You get the story of Kaylan Lavellan and a desperate Inquisition who against better judgement decides to keep him.





	A few screws loose (or bugs and glitches and fails oh my)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Otherwise known as the tutorial where eyeliner glows in the dark and demons freeze.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For most of this chapter, everything is just like in the game, because I didn't have much space to screw something over, and the bugs were few. Still, I thought it would be good to start from the beginning, not the hinterlands.

Kaylan was not surprised when he woke up in a dank, dark room, and that probably said a lot about his poor choices in life, ones he should probably look over once his mind stopped feeling as if stuffed full of cotton. At least the shackles were new.

Wait, what?

Something on -in?- his palm lit up, and that woke the elf right up. He could nearly taste the magic that radiated from his palm, one so alien to his own, and the tendrils of it in his veins pulsed for a split moment with scorching pain as the mark flashed, and Kaylan nearly toppled back as he flinched, trying to run away from his own hand, as pathetic as it was. In time with his movement, something shifted in his periphery, and the elf nearly screamed again as he took in the sight of armored humans with their swords drawn and pointed right at him. How did he even get here? What did he do? Just an attempt at trying to reach the memory made his temples throb, not that he had much time to think, as the door to the dungeon banged violently against a wall, a furious woman striding in.

Kaylan curled into himself in a futile attempt to maybe fall through the floor, though that didn’t much help as the soldier instantly pinned him with a gaze full of wrath, an anger Kaylan could not even begin to guess the origin of. All he could go off of  was a newly-glowing hand of his, the fact that he was apparently in shemlen jail, and that he had an absence of memories similar to one only brought on by severe concussion or irresponsible drinking, but no familiar pain to go with it (and once again, didn’t it say much about his life that he could differentiate between those?).

He followed the soldier with his eyes as best he could, not daring to turn once she prowled behind him, though his eyes were quickly drawn by the second newcomer, another woman in much lighter armor, her hair a bright orange even in the dim torchlight that lengthen the shadows cast by her hood. Kaylan flinched as a voice sounded right next to his ear.

“Tell me why we shouldn’t kill you now? The conclave is destroyed. Everyone who attended is dead...Except for you.”

The elf’s eyes widened. “What do  you mean everyone’s dead?”

He received no response. Instead, his glowing had was violently yanked up by the soldier. Rude. Not that he could complain, shackled and imprisoned at swordpoint and all. Complaining was probably a poor course of action.  
“Explain this!” The soldier ordered.  
“I...can’t.”

“What do you mean, you can’t?”  
Shit, the soldier looked even angrier, and if Kaylan had not feared for his life before, he sure as fade did now. Kaylan stuttered out an explanation as fast as he could. “I don’t know what it is or how it got there.” He withheld the ‘please don’t stab me’ at the end.

That was as honest of an answer as he could give, and yet it was the wrong one, as he suddenly came face to face with an angry, snarling soldier who grabbed him by his lapels. Kaylan had seen angry bears in his youth (thanks to more stupid decisions on his part), and they did not compare to the woman who snarled at him. “You’re lying!”

At that moment he decided that he absolutely loved the redhead who pushed the soldier away from him, with a soft reproach. “We need him, Cassandra.”

Yet Kaylan didn’t stay relieved for long, as soon the steely gaze of the redhead was focused right on him, and really, what was it with these people who made it feel like they were staring into his very soul? He almost missed the question aimed at him. “Do you remember what happened? How this began?”

There were only flashes of strange memories in his head, and he explained them as best he could. Running, being chased, whatever that figure was. He called it a woman, he hoped he got it right, and he didn't mention that the woman reminded him of a spirit (nothing good ever came from telling shems about spirits), and he resolutely ignored why the empty quiet of his mind frightened him so.

“Go to the forward camp Leliana, I will take him to the rift.” The soldier - Ca-something, Cassandra, Kaylan reminded himself - pushed the redhead away, and didn’t that frighten Kaylan just a little. The previously-angry dragon lady was not someone he wanted to be left alone with. He was beginning to inch away just a little as Cassandra crouched before him, though he stopped once she reached for the shackles which she began to unlock, much to the elf’s surprise.

“What did happen?” He found the guts to ask even as he was pulled to his feet, unsteady like a newborn halla thanks to however long he had spent kneeling on the ground.  The answer was as ominous as it could be.

“It… will be easier to show you.”

 

*****

 

Cassandra had to admit, the prisoner -someone called Lavellan, from what Leliana could scrounge up on such short notice- was one strange elf. Not just because of their appearance:  umber skin, a shock of wild hair the same snow white as the tattoo that curled around his left eye, bisected down the middle by a deep scar, all completed with attention-catching bright red that lined the elf’s eyes, so bright it had nearly glowed in the dark dungeon. Sure, he looked strange, but his actions were even stranger.

As far as she knew, he was behind the explosion at the conclave. He had definitely looked suitably terrified when she had first seen him awake, staring at her as if she was an executioner, and yet he had stared at the rift with open, genuine shock and took no convincing before he agreed to help as best he could. Still, she did notice how he kept an eye on his surroundings as they followed the path, as if he was looking for an escape. Even if he never veered off the road, Cassandra kept close, or as close as she could with the elf constantly jogging forward at a tireless pace ahead of her. 

She barely had had the time to catch him when the breach flashed and the mark flashed, sending the elf down to his knees with a pained scream for what was now a second time. She almost felt pity for the man as she pulled him up, but she could do nothing but pat his shoulder, and maybe that was enough, seeing as the strange elf nodded in silent thanks and took off jogging down the road once again, Cassandra once again struggling to keep up in her full armor. 

This time she was only barely close enough to see the elf turn back with a look of shock as the bridge beneath their feet exploded.

 

*****

Ow. Rock to the side, to the knee, to the face. Kaylan landed in a miserable heap amidst the rubble that had once been a bridge. He lifted his head just in time to see something come hurtling from the breach once more. It crashed into the ice, collapsing into a bubbling pile of green that shot out shards of crystal. Kaylan pulled himself up as he watched with mixed horror and fascination as a shape bloomed from within the wreath of black-green with a shriek. His blood ran cold as he realized what this was. A lesser shade. A demon.

“Stay behind me!” Cassandra’s tone was a clear order as she ran towards the demon, and Kaylan wasn’t about to disobey. Better she gets eaten than him, as guilt-inducing as that thought was. The relief was short lived. Green bubbled up on the ice just before Kaylan, a sight he now knew heralded a demon. Oh no.

Frantic, he looked around for anything he could use to defend himself. Yes, he was a mage and could throw a lightning bolt or two if needed, but there was only so much magic one could safely channel through skin -that was why staves were invented after all. Speaking of a staff…

He lunged towards the upturned crate just as the grinding of fade-crystals bursting to life resounded behind him. The scrambled to pull the battered staff from amidst the rubble. The moment that he had a sure grip on it he turned, lighting crackling up the weapon, and just in time, as he came face to face with a shade.

The demon stared at Kaylan.

Kaylan stared at the demon.

The demon continued staring.  
Kaylan continued staring.

The demon still didn’t move.

Kaylan whacked it over the head as hard as he could with his staff.

It let out a pained shriek, and Kaylan only clubbed it over the head again before he had to sprint out of the way (very much too) sharp claws swinging right at him. Those claws never did reach him, as in all of her angry glory Cassandra was there, chopping the shade’s head clear in two with a well-aimed swing.

Kaylan did not expect for the ichor-stained sword to be pointed at him next. By the creators, he didn’t even do anything yet!

“Drop your weapon now!”  
Oh, well that explained it. Kaylan spent a brief moment wondering exactly how big his chances were to win in a fight until he remembered that one- Cassandra was terrifying and she had just defeated two demons, and two- Cassandra was an ally. Listening to her was the best way to make sure he wouldn’t get beheaded for -what was it?- blowing up the conclave.

“Alright, I’ll disarm.”  
And wasn’t it just a sign of exactly how bad his situation was that Cassandra, for just a moment, seemed surprised by his show of good faith. He moved to put down the staff, but was interrupted.

“Wait” The soldier sighed. “I must remember that you agreed to come willingly.”

Kaylan instantly clutched the staff tighter, holding it to his chest. It was so much worse than the one he had had before, but it was still a comfort, one he would gladly take.

“Wonderful. Can we go now? We should go now. Demons to avoid, a breach to close, all that.” He ran past a confused Cassandra, trying to make some distance before she changed her mind and decided to take the staff away or, worse, another demon came hurtling out of the sky. She only caught on to him as he was putting on a helmet he had just taken off a corpse. He was an opportunist, so what, sue him, or preferably not, he was in trouble already for a crime he didn’t remember committing. 

Kaylan spent the remainder of the path to the forward camp in different states of either distracted, hyperfocused on roasting demons, or in pain thanks to someone sticking his arm at a fade rift (thank you very much for asking beforehand, Solas). He answered any questions thrown his way without thinking much about it, though he was much warier around the other elf. The bald guy just looked shifty (and like an egg with facial features) to him for some reason. 

At least being screamed at at the forward camp jolted Kaylan back into his mind some. His thoughts were just so empty, a way they hadn’t been in years. He told himself it didn’t matter. Chancellor Roderic was a dick, screaming in his grating voice as if Kaylan wasn’t right here, trying to keep Leliana (who he was strangely glad made it here alive) and Cassandra from actually helping. Being asked for an opinion was jarring. Wasn’t he the criminal here?

Still, there was a choice, so a choice he made. His flimsy armor and tired body weren’t up for a full-scale charge, so the mountain path it was.

Twenty four rungs, eighteen steps, twelve more rungs (yes, he counted) and then it was time to slaughter more demons. Cassandra did wonderful drawing all the attention in the mine. The fight to close the next rift longer than most, the terrors an absolute hassle. They killed one. And the other? It was gone. 

Everyone waited with bated breath for one moment, another. The demon didn’t show, and the rift was still alive and well. Could it be considered alive? Kaylan forced his eyes back to the ground to wait for the terror. Nothing, just a faint green glow at a path of stones. Kaylan tossed a fireball there, and though he would deny it to his dying day, his shriek of surprise was even higher-pitched than the terror’s as it finally burst out of the ground. His ears were bright red as he closed the rift, and he blamed it on the cold. He wasn’t embarrassed. Not at all. Absolutely. What for? 

They couldn’t get to the temple of sacred ashes fast enough.

Kaylan regretted that thought in time. Scorched rubble was scattered everywhere, ash still drifting in the air. The corpses were the worst. Frozen in place, burnt into husks, all of them twisted, mouths open in a silent scream Kaylan could swear he could hear. The fact that he nearly sprinted through the broken archway towards the breach and the awaiting rift probably said much about exactly how fast he wanted to get this over and done with. The breach would be closed, the mark gone from his hand, and then all Kaylan had to do was slip Cassandra and he would be free to run back to his clan. Because things always turned out so well, especially to him.

“Okay, what in the everloving fuck is  _ that _ ?” Were the magnificently eloquent words that that tumbled out of Kaylan’s mouth the moment he rounded the corner.

Shards of bloodspill red jutted out of the ground all over the rubble-strewn crater, wisps of energy floating around them, rancid and all wrong.

Varic walked up to the elf’s side while Cassandra ran off to speak with Leliana who just rounded the corner behind them. “Red lyrium, I wouldn’t touch that, if I were you.”

Kaylan sure didn’t need to be told twice. Even if every magic-infused cell in his body did not scream at him to get away, just the eerie sight of the crystals would have kept him far from them. This whole place felt cursed.

Cassandra blocked out the sight of the crater as she walked in front of Kaylan. “This is your chance to end this. Are you ready?”

“I’ll try my best.” Kaylan replied, and apparently that was the signal everyone needed.

The team that had followed him so far let him take point yet again. Not the best decision, seeing as he was a mage for the back lines, but it served just as well, since none of them could stop Kaylan as, instead of following the periphery of the crater which sloped gradually down to the rift, he instead vaulted over the nearest railing only to land in all his elven grace and glory with a stumble that sent him sprawling on the ground.

At least he didn’t get close to the lyrium.

Instead the damn mark crackled to life again, and Kaylan was left staring up at the rift with fear as an unknown -at least to him- woman’s voice cried out for help only for someone who sounded strangely like Kaylan to reply. It was his voice, but not his. Another spoke over it in perfect unison, nearly matching, and so familiar that it hurt the elf to hear it, the silence in his mind growing louder, as impossible as it was, a chasm, an abyss threatening to swallow what remained of his thoughts.

“That was your voice.” Cassandra spoke up behind Kaylan, and how come he didn’t hear her walk up to him? “Most Holy called out to you. But-”

She was cut off my ominous crackling from the rift, and everyone backed away as a flash of light whited out their vision for a moment. When they blinked spots out of their eyes, they were greeted with ghostly images hanging in the air the Divine -the woman who had spoken- crying out for help once more, and an image of Kaylan running into the unseen room, shape wreathed in a crackle or red.  The real elf prayed nobody took much note of that, even as his eyes were wrenched back towards the shape of shadow with eyes of flame. With a final command to slay the elf, a flash of white burst from the rift yet again, erasing the images.

Cassandra took no time to speak up even as Kaylan still rubbed his eyes. “You were there! Who attacked? And the Divine, is she…? Was this vision true? What are we seeing?”

“I don’t remember!” That was the honest truth. The images seemed familiar, like a forgotten dream, but forgotten it remained. He could not grasp it.

At least before Cassandra could grab Kaylan and maybe try to shake some answers out of him (or at least that the intent he read in her gaze), Solas spoke up. “Echoes of what happened here. The Fade bleeds into this place. This rift is not sealed, but it is closed… albeit temporarily. I believe with the mark, the rift can be opened and then sealed properly and safely. However, opening the rift will likely attract attention from the other side.”

“Wonderful idea. Just what we need.” Kaylan nodded, because of course sarcasm fit the situation, and yet, he stepped up under the rift all the same.

Not the smartest idea seeing as the Pride demon nearly crushed him when it first appeared. This day was going well when it came to the injury count.

Kaylan kept out of the fight, running around more often than not, and regretting his choice of electric magic even more often. What would his measly lighting bolts do to a creature who wielded whips made of it? It barely even flinched as it battered away at Cassandra.

So Kaylan stayed under the rift, reaching for it with the mark the moment it opened up again. As painful as it was, at least it sent Pride to its knees too, a vital opening. Kaylan was too focused on the rift to even see the last strike that made the demon fall, but he did hear the command.

“Now! Seal the rift!”

And so Kaylan reached for the rift yet again, and this time something clicked, something caught, and as he pulled it with all the magic that had gathered in his hand, something within his mind -and the rift- flashed, and then it all went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To explain the strange things:  
> 1- I managed to create a character that had red eyeliner that somehow forgot about lighting and was so bright it nearly glowed in the dark in any cutscene. It somehow fixed itself later.  
> 2- somehow at the first demon fight, the demon stopped moving. I ran around it while Cassandra killed her shade, and then I only barely helped to kill the second one.  
> 3- I pressed the pause button while fighting the terrors at the third rift. I didn’t notice for a few awkward second.


End file.
